Abnormalities to Acolytes
by ColdFusion180
Summary: The Acolytes show why they top the list of things one is simply not meant to understand.


**Abnormalities to Acolytes**

"I should have done this years ago," Magneto thought as he worked on an open panel filled with circuitry. "Having my own mutant detection system would have been far more efficient than relying on Mystique to discover new mutants for me. If only I'd had a decent and loyal telepath to use it. Oh well. At least I have one now. Sort of." Magneto carefully finished an adjustment before running a quick diagnostic on the modified panel. "I really need to come up with a new name for all this. 'Newly modified version of Cerebro' is quite awkward. Hmmm, what should I call it? Cerebra? Cyberno? Mutant Ability Detector...?"

CRASH!

SMASH!

BOOM!

"Savior of my sanity," Magneto groaned as the base shook slightly. "The sooner I get this thing up and running the better. I need to find more recruits in order to help control the maniacs I already have!" He closed the panel and left the room while muttering to himself.

"What are those crazy fools up to this time? They better not be playing in the Missile Room again..." Magneto stopped and came to a section of hallway covered with holes and claw marks. Several surfaces also sported what appeared to be large blobs of green colored goo. "Oh no! I shudder to even think about what those lunatics got into in order to cause all this!"

Magneto moved on until he heard some voices coming from the recreation room. Bracing himself for the worst, he went in and immediately began berating his subordinates. "Alright you idiots! I don't know what stupid, uncontrollable insanity you're causing this time, but you better cease it at once or...huh?"

"Hey Mags," Remy greeted him looking up. He and Piotr we casually sitting on opposite ends of the couch, each holding a large pair of knitting needles. "What'cha doing?"

"Huh?" Magneto blinked at the slight. "The question is what are **you** doing?"

"Knitting," Remy said while continuing to work. Dozens of balls of brightly colored yarn lay between him and Piotr. "Wanna join us?"

"Knitting?" Magneto was too stunned to think clearly. "Why in the world are you two fools **knitting**?"

"To makes clothes," Piotr said holding up his project. A long woolen scarf grew from his knitting needles. "And blankets. My mother and sister used to knit homemade things all the time. I learned how to do it from them."

"My _grandmere_ taught me," Remy smiled working on what looked like a sock. "Though it was more about learning the precision skills that would later be used to master lockpicking."

"I always liked watching my family knit," Piotr commented while completing a stitch. "Watching them turn plain yarn into clothes using just a pair of long needles was amazing. Did you ever have any relatives that could knit?"

"Well, yes," Magneto admitted. "My mother did like to knit blankets during the winter. They usually weren't all that colorful, but they were incredibly warm. In fact I still have one of her homemade blankets that she made for me when I was two and...WHY THE HECK AM I TELLING YOU FOOLS THIS?!"

"Because knitting wouldn't be complete without story time," Remy grinned. "Let me know if you ever want to get together and compare baby blankets."

"I'll prepare a **shroud** if you ever mention this to anyone else and..." Magneto trailed off noticing something off to the side. "What is wrong with Mastermind?"

"Gahhh?" Mastermind awkwardly lay in a chair while tied head to toe in duct tape. Large sections of his clothes were gone and he was occasionally beset by strange body spasms. His face was constantly twitching. "Da da ee ooo? Ha nib yibo gugu?"

"Oh him," Remy shrugged casually. "He just spent a couple hours learning the hard way why Pyro isn't allowed to be near pomegranates."

"He what?" Magneto gasped. "Oh no! Pyro wasn't **near** any pomegranates at the time, was he?"

"Na," Remy shook his head. "He had some fire balloons and a big, red pomegranate costume instead."

"Oh no, that's even **worse**," Magneto moaned. "That explains why Pyro went and bound him up with duct tape!"

"Actually, Pyro didn't do that. We did," Remy indicated himself and Piotr. "Mastermind was really out of it once his time with Pyro was over. He kept mumbling to himself while flailing around and walking into walls."

"Coo-coo, coo-coo," Mastermind drooled.

"Anyway," Remy went on. "It was fun watching him smack into things for a while until he started trying to gnaw his arms off. So we bound him up to try and prevent him from hurting himself anymore."

"I think he has finally snapped," Piotr added.

"Great," Magneto groaned thinking about his detection system. "Talk about poor timing."

"I know," Remy cursed. "I'd bet that he'd have broken **weeks **ago."

"I told you he was tougher than he looked," Piotr smiled. "Of course, he would have to be."

"I don't believe this," Magneto groaned shaking his head in disbelief. "I can't deal with all the ridiculousness today! Finding arguably my most mentally **capable** subordinate rendered potentially catatonic for **life **AND watching you two imbeciles act like a pair of old ladies at a knitting circle!"

"So? What is so bad about knitting?" Piotr asked innocently.

"Yeah. It's great exercise for keeping your wrists strong and fingers in shape," Remy added. "Besides, the _femmes_ love a man who can knit."

"Both of you are a pair of **knit**-**wits**!" Magneto snapped. "You clods aren't even any good at knitting. Those things look like they're made for a five-legged snow blower!"

"Oh these aren't for us," Remy said making another stitch. "These are for the anteaters."

"ANTEATERS?!" Magneto roared. "**WHAT** ANTEATERS?!"

"WWWZZZZZZZZZUTTT! WWWZZZZZZZZZUTTT! WWWZZZZZZZZZUTTT!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto yelled as a candle of giant anteaters stormed into the room and nearly trampled him. He barely managed to get out of the way.

"**Those** anteaters," Remy smirked as the anteaters thundered by. "We don't want them to catch colds when it's freezing in the base. Can imagine what would happen if an anteater had to sneeze?"

"I CAN IMAGINE WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO WITH A SHOTGUN!" Magneto howled while trying to avoid the anteaters. "How the heck did these things manage to get into the base in the first place?! Did Pyro smuggle them in? He did, didn't he?! That maniac did it again! When I get ahold of him...!"

"Uh, actually," Piotr coughed.

"What?!" Magneto gasped and stared at him in shock. "**You** Colossus? You're telling me **you're** the one responsible for all this?"

"Technically," Piotr winced. "It was an accident."

"HOW THE HECK DO YOU **'ACCIDENTALLY'** INFEST MY TOP SECRET BASE WITH GIANT **ANTEATERS**?!" Magneto roared dangerously.

"It is kind of a funny story," Piotr laughed weakly. "You see, what happened was..."

"No! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!" Magneto yelled as the anteaters ran amok. "I've lost too much sanity and brain cells over this whole mess as it is! I want these things out of my base and I want them out NOW!"

"But you can not do that!" Piotr protested setting down his knitting project and plucking something off a passing anteater. "Over half of them have had babies!"

"Yeah. Piotr's going to be an uncle," Remy quipped picking up another anteater pup. "Or an aunt, since they're anteaters. Hmmm, what's the correct term for an anteater's uncle?"

"I DON'T CARE!" Magneto howled with a vein on his forehead bulging out. "I am not turning my base into some kind of anteater daycare!"

"Why not? They are pretty cute," Remy said stroking the pup. "And I have to admit, there's something about a white stripe on a dark haired background that I find nice."

"Nee?" Mastermind twitched off the chair into the multitude of anteaters. A few sniffed at him as he continued to spasm randomly. "Wid oku pah da?"

"Plus the anteaters could be very useful," Piotr pointed out. "They can feed and get rid of all the little pests that crawl around the base.

WHAM!

SMASH!

"SOMEBODY GET THESE STINKING THINGS OFF ME!" Sabertooth was heard screaming in the distance. "OW! OW! OW! YEEEOOOWWW! NOT THE CLAWS! AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"

"Like all the lice and fleas that live off Sabes," Remy smirked. "He's got enough pests on him to supply the anteaters with food for **years**!"

"I know what pests **I'd** like to get rid off," Magneto growled dangerously glaring at the two Acolytes. "Arrrggghhh! This is insane! Anteaters, aardvarks, alpacas, armadillos! Does every animal that's brought into this base need to have a name that begins with the letter A?!"

"Well, there were those Tasmanian devils Pyro managed to sneak in for April Fool's Day," Remy thought.

"SHUT UP GAMBIT!" Magneto roared. "You idiots are in so much trouble! Not only for bringing these monstrosities into the base, but for also encouraging them and...WILL YOU STOP LICKING MY UNIFORM?!" Magneto yelled at a pair of anteaters licking his cape.

"They might if you tried asking them nicely," Piotr said. "Give them some time and they become quite affectionate." He smiled at the anteater pup perched on his shoulder. "Right Snuzzles?"

"Oh geeze," Magneto felt his migraine get even worse. "It's official! You're all brain damaged beyond repair! Even you Gambit!"

"I am not!" Remy snorted. "I just prefer the anteaters over the aardvarks. At least the anteaters aren't licking me and trying to tear my pants off."

"Well they better not try that with me," Magneto warned shoving away the anteaters licking at his cape. "Or they are going to be the ones torn up!"

"Don't worry Mags. They're not doing it because they like you," Remy said. "Who would?"

"Watch it Gambit," Magneto hissed. "And don't call me Mags!"

"Anyway," Remy rolled his eyes. "They probably just smell coffee or something on your clothes. Piotr accidentally spilt a ninety pound bag of coffee near an air vent when they came in and it got blown all over the base. Apparently the anteaters like the taste of coffee and they began running around breaking into the walls trying to lick up every bit of coffee they could find."

"Perfect! Just what we need around here. A bunch of hyped up, coffee addicted anteaters!" Magneto groaned throwing up his hands. "That explains the slew of holes and claw marks all over the hallways. And suppose they're responsible for those piles of green goo lying everywhere as well!"

"Oh no. That's not from the anteaters," Remy corrected him. "Those things are around because of Pyro."

"Of course," Magneto groaned. "Dare I ask what that flame brained lunatic is up to **this** time?"

"Uh, funny you should say it like that," Piotr commented. "He is definitely 'up' to something."

"Yeah. If you find him 'up' you'll probably scream at him to get 'down'," Remy quipped. "That reminds me, we better start whipping up some crab dip and tuning the accordions soon."

"What?" Magneto blinked in confusion. "Why?"

"It's Hoedown Night," Remy smiled.

"NO!" Magneto shouted frantically. "NO HOEDOWN NIGHT! NO MORE HOEDOWN NIGHTS **EVER**!"

"But they are fun," Piotr protested. "And we can include the anteaters."

"At least we'll have some new dance partners this time," Remy added.

"NO! NO! NO!" Magnet howled. "No anteaters, no accordions and definitely NO HOEDOWNS!"

BRUUUBBB-UDDDUBBB-UDUBBB-UDUBBB-UDUBBB!

"WAAAHOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro zoomed into the room while riding an enormous vibrating, disc-shaped floor polisher on the ceiling. A pair of large engines made out of fire provided the propulsion. "LOOK OUT! COMING THROUGH! YEHAAAAAA!"

"WHAT THE DEVIL...AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto barely managed to avoid being smacked in the head. A green glob shot out from the polisher and gooshed past his ear. "PYRO YOU MANIAC! WHAT KIND OF CRAZY MESS ARE YOU MAKING NOW?!"

"Actually, he's doing the opposite," Remy said casually as an inverted Pyro zipped above their heads. "He's trying to clean and sanitize the base."

"With **that** thing?!" Magneto yelped dodging another blob.

"Yep," Remy nodded resuming his knitting. "He mentioned something about using a combination of soap and superheated steam to clean things up. Course he added some 'secret ingredient' to the soap to make it green and is using his powers to heat the steam to some unholy temperature, but..."

"Oh no," Magneto felt another migraine coming on. "And you two just let him get away with this?"

"Why not?" Remy shrugged. "He is managing to clean up without making a bigger mess of things. Well except for the spent soap blobs, but they're easy to get rid of."

"And he is using his powers without setting anything on fire," Piotr added. "Which is much better than the alternative."

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro giggled as he whizzed upside-down across the ceiling again.

"Okay, how the heck does he manage to do that?" Magneto blinked at the sight.

"You're the Master of Magnetism. How do you **think** he does it?" Remy gave him a look.

"SHUT UP GAMBIT!" Magneto snapped looming over him. "You think this is funny? You're all going to pay for...OW!" Magneto yelped as Pyro zipped by and whacked him in the head.

"YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro laughed maniacally as Magneto fell face first into a green blob. He zoomed out of the room while still driving on the ceiling. "FIRE POWERED CEILING CLEANER AWAY! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"**PYRO!**" Magneto roared flying up and chasing after him. "GET BACK HERE YOU NUT! I'LL SHOW **YOU** HOW TO CLEAN SOMETHING! I'LL CLEAN YOUR **CLOCK**!"

"WWWZZZZZZZZZUTTT! WWWZZZZZZZZZUTTT!"

SPLAT!

"MERCY!" Sabertooth's wails echoed off the walls as he withered under the anteater onslaught. "OW! STOP THE CLAWING! STOP THE SLASHING! OW! NO NOT MY ARMS!"

CRACK!

"AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

"Duh wee oooh," Mastermind could be heard droning as he spasmed uncontrollably.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed. "WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AGAIN? WHY? WHY? WHY?"

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


End file.
